sunny.

it is fabulous and sunny and warm(ish) here, finally, and its making me so happy!

and, making me not want to study, which is bad, since finals week is next week. i've got one project done, one project half done, and plan on starting studying for the two exams tonight....or maybe tomorrow. you know...soon.

but finals also mean it's almost spring break, and i'm looking forward to a break for sure, even though this is the first time since 9th grade that i'm not going somewhere for it. i have a permanent travel bug, i think traveling is my biggest passion and hobby, but unfortunately, traveling opportunities come few and far between when you are a broke-ass grad school student. a friend of mine lives in Phoenix, i'd like to try to get out there spring quarter for a bit, i really love it out there! but, for now, i will be heading back to Cleveland. since i get to see all my friends and family (and, my dogs), most of whom i haven't seen since Christmas, i'm pretty pumped all the same. hopefully it will be just as sunny when i'm home on break.

i think that most of the time, i am a pretty sunny person. maybe it sounds cheesy, but i truly make it my goal to be as nice to everyone as i can. 'be kind- everyone is fighting a harder battle than you' and 'treat others how you want to be treated' is kind-of a mix of things i try to live my life by, among others. in essence, life is hard. i want to make it easier on people.

i won't lie, though, it's not always easy. actually, it's kinda hard. probably harder because, admittedly, i am a sensitive person. the other day, my mom told me 'people take advantage of you, you know'. and i do know that. and that really sucks. to be honest, it's a whole hell of a lot easier to close myself off and not let anyone in. it's easier to be nasty, it's easier to not care, it's easier to not love, and sometimes i want to do that. it would save me a whole lot of pain and heartache.

but i don't think people who do that realize they don't just effect themselves when they do that. they effect the people who love them, who care about them, who are trying to be nice, who are trying to make them happy. it's a hard thing to think about. do you only love those who love you back? do you wait until they show it enough so that you feel safe enough to open up? or do you love just because you care? i don't know if there's a right answer. there's certainly an easier one.

i know this sounds kinda hippy-dippy granola head, but i do sincerely mean it. i think life is all about giving love, about making people happy. i hope The Beatles were right when they said 'and in the end the love you take//is equal to the love you make'.

grr.

i'm a little pissed off today and i'm not really sure why. i think part of it is the impending stress of finals--i'm not actually stressed yet, but i know i will be soon. also, Tuesdays in general just suck, i am at school from about 930 til 530, and it's pretty draining. probably the most draining part is trying to find a parking spot, which unfortunately, is at the very beginning of my day.

also, i kind of realized today that pretty much all of my future is a huge question mark right now, which is a mix of scary and exciting. i realize i don't really have much of an issue until i'm done in December, but i've always been one to plan ahead, at least have a rough sketch or an outline or an idea, and i literally have no clue. none. do i get my PhD? (cool, yet expensive). do i get a job? (logical, yet probably pretty difficult). where do i get a job? WHAT DO I DO!? i would say "someone please tell me", but actually anytime someone gives me their two cents i start getting real annoyed at someone else telling me what to do with my life and i end up wanting to tell them to go away.

i have entered in this bubble of 'i'll just keep going to school, that is safe', but i feel like i'm suspending reality. not to mention going into mountains of debt.

actually, if i could do anything, i would join the Peace Corps. i'm not kidding. in 6th grade Eleni Rokakis' cousin came and talked to us about the Peace Corps and her experience in it, i immediately wanted to do it and i still do, that never went away. i get emails from them all the time (because i put myself on their email list in a fit of inspiration). they need people with public health experience that can speak french. um hi. that's me.

there's a million reasons that i'm not doing it (well not really. but a good few.), but seriously getting shipped off to like some remote impoverished nation in the world is like my dream job---yes, i realize what i just said.

overall, i just feel like i should be doing...more. i'n part i think that's because for the last 8 years i made myself so insanely busy that when i go at life at a normal pace, it seems like i'm achieving nothing. i feel complacent. i feel like i'm not achieving like i could be. hm.