sunny.

it is fabulous and sunny and warm(ish) here, finally, and its making me so happy!

and, making me not want to study, which is bad, since finals week is next week. i've got one project done, one project half done, and plan on starting studying for the two exams tonight....or maybe tomorrow. you know...soon.

but finals also mean it's almost spring break, and i'm looking forward to a break for sure, even though this is the first time since 9th grade that i'm not going somewhere for it. i have a permanent travel bug, i think traveling is my biggest passion and hobby, but unfortunately, traveling opportunities come few and far between when you are a broke-ass grad school student. a friend of mine lives in Phoenix, i'd like to try to get out there spring quarter for a bit, i really love it out there! but, for now, i will be heading back to Cleveland. since i get to see all my friends and family (and, my dogs), most of whom i haven't seen since Christmas, i'm pretty pumped all the same. hopefully it will be just as sunny when i'm home on break.

i think that most of the time, i am a pretty sunny person. maybe it sounds cheesy, but i truly make it my goal to be as nice to everyone as i can. 'be kind- everyone is fighting a harder battle than you' and 'treat others how you want to be treated' is kind-of a mix of things i try to live my life by, among others. in essence, life is hard. i want to make it easier on people.

i won't lie, though, it's not always easy. actually, it's kinda hard. probably harder because, admittedly, i am a sensitive person. the other day, my mom told me 'people take advantage of you, you know'. and i do know that. and that really sucks. to be honest, it's a whole hell of a lot easier to close myself off and not let anyone in. it's easier to be nasty, it's easier to not care, it's easier to not love, and sometimes i want to do that. it would save me a whole lot of pain and heartache.

but i don't think people who do that realize they don't just effect themselves when they do that. they effect the people who love them, who care about them, who are trying to be nice, who are trying to make them happy. it's a hard thing to think about. do you only love those who love you back? do you wait until they show it enough so that you feel safe enough to open up? or do you love just because you care? i don't know if there's a right answer. there's certainly an easier one.

i know this sounds kinda hippy-dippy granola head, but i do sincerely mean it. i think life is all about giving love, about making people happy. i hope The Beatles were right when they said 'and in the end the love you take//is equal to the love you make'.

grr.

i'm a little pissed off today and i'm not really sure why. i think part of it is the impending stress of finals--i'm not actually stressed yet, but i know i will be soon. also, Tuesdays in general just suck, i am at school from about 930 til 530, and it's pretty draining. probably the most draining part is trying to find a parking spot, which unfortunately, is at the very beginning of my day.

also, i kind of realized today that pretty much all of my future is a huge question mark right now, which is a mix of scary and exciting. i realize i don't really have much of an issue until i'm done in December, but i've always been one to plan ahead, at least have a rough sketch or an outline or an idea, and i literally have no clue. none. do i get my PhD? (cool, yet expensive). do i get a job? (logical, yet probably pretty difficult). where do i get a job? WHAT DO I DO!? i would say "someone please tell me", but actually anytime someone gives me their two cents i start getting real annoyed at someone else telling me what to do with my life and i end up wanting to tell them to go away.

i have entered in this bubble of 'i'll just keep going to school, that is safe', but i feel like i'm suspending reality. not to mention going into mountains of debt.

actually, if i could do anything, i would join the Peace Corps. i'm not kidding. in 6th grade Eleni Rokakis' cousin came and talked to us about the Peace Corps and her experience in it, i immediately wanted to do it and i still do, that never went away. i get emails from them all the time (because i put myself on their email list in a fit of inspiration). they need people with public health experience that can speak french. um hi. that's me.

there's a million reasons that i'm not doing it (well not really. but a good few.), but seriously getting shipped off to like some remote impoverished nation in the world is like my dream job---yes, i realize what i just said.

overall, i just feel like i should be doing...more. i'n part i think that's because for the last 8 years i made myself so insanely busy that when i go at life at a normal pace, it seems like i'm achieving nothing. i feel complacent. i feel like i'm not achieving like i could be. hm.

getting to know me.

if you're reading this, i'm guessing you know me, at least a little bit.
but maybe not. or, maybe not as well as you'd like/like to think.

so, for your entertainment (and mine)...a survey.

So, what are you doing this weekend?
Friday, we are going to dinner at Brian's aunt's house in Cincinnati. Saturday, Michelle will be up while her boyfriend checks out OSU law school,so I get to see her :). Sunday I am supposed to go visit my great-grandmother (she's 99! bam!)

Who are you with most on your weekends?
Brian.

Are you the type of person who is often in off and on relationships?
noooo. when i'm done, i'm done.

Do you think you can last in a relationship for six months?
yep. done and done.

Have you ever fallen asleep while you were on the phone with someone?
hahah yes. i get so tired and start saying weird shit.

Does the person you last kissed still like you?
i hope so, he's sitting a foot away from me and kissed me about a minute ago, hopefully his feeling didn't change that fast....

Do you remember the first time you kissed the last person you kissed?
hahah to be honest, no, we were both real drunk. i sort of remember? i mean i remember the circumstances around it.

Recently kissed anyone with a name that starts with "B"?
why, yes, yes i have.

Have you ever liked someone who had a girlfriend/boyfriend?
not like, enough that i tried to date them instead or something crazy.

Who did you last hug?
grandma :)

How much older is the person you're interested in?
9 months, almost to the day.

Ever walked on a rooftop?
have i? i honestly can't remember.

The last person you kissed, how many times have you cried over them?
hahah a fair few.

Have you ever dated the same person twice?
Nevvver.

Do you think about your ex every day?
baaaaahhahhahaa noooooo.

Do you think someone is talking smack about you behind your back?
ha probably.

Have you held hands with anyone in the past 36 hours?
yeeep :)

What are you most anxious/excited for?
ummm i guess this summer in general, figuring out internships/plans for next year/etc.

Do you believe in true love?
sure.

Do you want kids?
eventually.

Anyone ever tell you that you have nice eyes?
why is this relevant? i didn't realize this survey was so dumb but I'm halfway through it so i refuse to quit.

Met anyone new this year?
tons! what's up, new grad school. I met like 10 new people today.

What is the last drink you had?
tea!

How many people are you texting?
at this very second? 0

How are you feeling?
sick :( scratchy throat and stuffy nose. yuck.

Is something wrong right now?
nope!

Are you mad at someone?
negative.

Who was the last person to call you?
emmy.

Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow?
sadly no. what's up, monday.

What were you doing right before you did this survey?
making a half-assed attempt at homework.

Are you good at hiding your feelings?
from most people, yes, from brian, no.

Do you miss the way things used to be?
that's rather vague....but no.

Could you handle a long distance relationship?
i do sometimes. it could be worse. i'm lucky enough right now to get to see b every day :)

Could you cry right now?
no?

Do you have an older brother, if so where is he?
no. he is nonexistent.

What about a younger brother?
don't have that either.

Last person you told a secret to?
ummm brian? emmy? i don't know.

Do you like hugs?
honestly, who doesnt?

Are you interested in anyone right now?
eh...i guess.

Do you like to take walks?
depend where and when.in the winter on the way to class? no. on the whole, yes.

Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?
whenever he stops playing this video game thinger.

What did you do yesterday?
cleaned and cooked alllll day.

Are you easy to get along with?
i like to think so.

Are you listening to music right now?
the music from brian's video game.

Do you think your last ex will eventually want to be with you again?
do i care?

Do you think your boyfriend/girlfriend will ever go back to their ex?
um...no.

What are you doing tonight?
this. as in, this survey.

What were you doing at Midnight last night?
out at the piano bar :)

Anything you're giving up on?
interesting question. in a way, yes, but not in a bad way. i think it's a positive thing i'm giving up on.

Has anyone ever told you forever?
what is this, the notebook? what's with the sappy questions?

So, what if you married the last person you kissed?
then people would have to buy me presents.

Do you have a best friend to lean on?
oh yes. i have the greatest friends in the world.

What is your favorite TV show?
the office, lost, law and order SVU, snapped.

Is there someone you'd like to fix things with?
sort of, but for the person i'm thinking of, it's her own fault we don't talk anymore, so not my call.

Do you tell the last person you kissed that you love them on a regular basis?
NO stop asking me these sappy questions.

Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?
nah :)

Honestly, has anyone ever seen you in your underwear?
theater. for 18 years....yes. people i don't even know.

Who was the last person's voice you heard?
brian.

What does the 12th text in your inbox say?
im bored so ill actually look this up. "i really hope that girl got her life straight".

Is there anyone who doesn't like you?
of course.

Do you laugh a lot?
life is so much better when you laugh.

What would you do if you got pregnant?
find a celebrity to blame it on and get hella rich.

Do you consider yourself lucky?
i do.

Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone for over an hour?
oh geez. emmy maybe?

Do you miss anyone?
very much.

Who was the last person you took a picture with?
nattie and laur last night :)

Is anything bothering you right now?
besides the fact i have a lot of work to do tomorrow, no.

What are you craving at the moment?
sleep.

Whats the most important in a relationship, happiness or trust?
i'd say you can't really be happy in a relationship without trust.

Did the last person you kiss have tattoos?
no.

Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to about anything?
i do!

Have you ever gotten into a fist fight?
no i kinda want to though is that bad?

Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times?
no one specific, i randomly think about random people all of the time though

Is your heart broken right now?
nahh.

What is the closest orange thing to you?
a highlighter

Are looks important?
yes. face it, they are. beauty is subjective, but no one falls in love with someone they aren't attracted to in some form.

What do you need at the moment?
my voice back.

Do you have any friends that you've known for 10 years or more?
ciara!

Do you give up too easily?
rats. yes.

opportunities.

hello hello.

this week was a lot of work, i had two exams, as well as a lot of homework. unfortunately for me, that homework has to be done on software only available on the OSU computers (STATA, SAS, if any of you are familiar...if not, they are statistical packages and computer programming software), so I have to take a trip up to campus anytime I feel like working on stuff. It's not the drive that's bad, it's the parking nightmare that I dread. I should have done some work this weekend, but after this week I didn't particularly do much....I'll take rest where I can get it, with finals coming up.

Two of my closest college friends, Natalie and Lauren, came down this weekend to celebrate Natalie's birthday. I haven't seen them since Christmas so it was wonderful to get to spend some time with them. I miss college a ton, mostly because of the fabulous friends I made there. Anyways, we went (along with some of Natalie's high school friends, who I adore) out for pizza and then to the piano bar Saturday night. I don't go out much anymore, and to be honest, i'm ok with that---but it was so much fun to go out with the girls. I'm excited to come home for Spring Break and get to see everyone again.

I went to a wake today for my great uncle, although I really hadn't seen him since I was too little to remember. It was a happy sort of wake, I mean as happy as anything like that can be. I was sorry I didn't really know Uncle Homer in life, because he seemed like a great guy. I didn't particularly know anyone there, except my grandmother. As I stood there, I realized that for a 22 year old, I've been to waaaaaay too many funerals and wakes. I do realize that part of life is death, probably better than you think. Even so....yuck. It never gets easier.

Thinking about life and accomplishments today (Uncle Homer was a pretty accomplished guy) made me think of a conversation I had with a friend the other day about "not missing any more opportunities in life"...for various reasons. I'm not really sure exactly what she was talking about, but I think it had to do with not taking career or life opportunities because of family, or a significant other, or wanting to stay in a comfort zone, etc.

I agree with her to a point. But aren't opportunities kind-of a two pronged thing? I see what one might mean about, say, being afraid to take a job in another city. But look at it this way: you have both the opportunity to take a job in another city, or the opportunity to go another path with your life too (even if that means staying put for the moment). I'm all for making the most out of your life, not sitting around doing what you've always done like a bump on a log- but since when does jumping at the first opportunity you get automatically equate to success? Sometimes it does, but sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes, going after the obvious opportunity, without really thinking about it, seems like the easy way out to me.

I know I'm rambling now, but does anyone get what I'm saying here? Every choice you make has two sides to it---two opportunities. Thus, you will always miss out on opportunities in one way or another. In your life you will always wonder about what would have happened if you would've made the other choice. If you don't take the job in another city, you might sit and wonder what would've happened if you did. But if you do take the job you'll probably wonder what would've happened if you passed on that particular opportunity. I think even if you're successful beyond your own imagination, you still think about it. What would life be like if I chose something else?

success.

Mondays are always fun.

I don’t have class until 1:30 on Mondays, which is nice. When I don’t have a lot to do for school, I like to sleep in a little bit and bum around until I have to go to school. But, most weeks, I have a ton of work to do, so today I woke up early and watched the Today Show while I ate my breakfast.

The Today Show was talking about the Olympics and interviewing pretty much every person who ever won a medal for the US in the winter Olympics ever. During an interview with a 16 year old girl who is competing in figure skating for the US, it all kind of hit me at once---look at what these people have done with their lives! They are incredibly successful. And here I am, 22 years old…not really old by any means but I am nowhere close to being a successful person…ohhhh heyyy, quarter-life crisis.

I’m sure having a case of the Mondays didn’t particularly help as I realized my successes in life- qualifying for states in speech and debate...being homecoming queen…graduating college…are all well and good, yes, but by no means make me a successful person in any way, shape, or form.

I have no job. I’m still in school, actually putting myself further behind by racking up debt. Sure, I’ve done service and volunteer work, I’ve got a little bit of experience in my field of choice, but even then, compared with everybody I’m in school with clamoring to get into Med school, my resume looks like a joke. I have a genuine passion for what I want to pursue, and I’m trying. A research assistantship or something like that would be great right now. It’s frustrating, though, when people tell you “we need someone with more experience”. Great, but how am I going to get any experience if you don’t hire me!?

I know that succeeding in your career/job isn’t the only way to succeed in life, but it’s one of the biggies. I’ve spent the rest of the day thinking about what it really means to succeed. I’m still sort of drawing a blank. What do I do? How do I know when I get there? Am I going to reach a point in my life where I can turn around some day and say “hey, I really succeeded!”? People I went to high school with already have jobs! And children! And families! Personally I’m not ready for the last two, but damn, they’re really doing something with their lives…taking care of other human beings!? That’s huge.

I totally sound like Debbie Downer over here. Apologies.

Besides mulling over the lack of success in my life today, I did biostatistics for three hours, sat in lecture for two, and studied for one of my two exams this week. Not a bad day….just not particularly a fun day. Blechhh.

hope stinks.

Hope.

I’ve got a real problem with hope (just to be clear, this is not some chick named Hope. I am talking about the feeling…er…emotion…type thing). Hope really sticks a thorn in my side. And, let me preface this rant with the fact that I am not a pessimistic person, at least I don’t think so. I think there’s a bright side to pretty much everything… “everything happens for a reason”, and all that jazz. I am happy to be alive and in the world and getting to have the experiences I do.

So to say that I don’t have a lot of hope sounds pretty depressing. But I really don’t. You see, because any time I really wanted something, I’ve really hoped for something, I end up disappointed and my little hopes get crushed to the floor. Whether it be a job or an internship, plans with friends/family/etc. that don’t work out, a vacation or a trip that doesn’t go through, or something in a relationship. When I start hoping for something the universe must realize, and do everything in its power to make it not happen. Since the universe is pretty powerful and stuff…it usually wins.

Now before you say anything, I realize I sort of sound like an emo kid here. Please do not confuse my lack of hope for a lack of gratitude of the wonderful people and opportunities I have in my life--- I am ridiculously aware of how much worse things could be. I also realize that disappointment when hoping for things is what drives and motivates a lot of people. I hope that it is evident that, although I don’t have much hope, I do have motivation and determination, and an overall positive sense of my life. Basically, all I am trying to say is that hope seems to be a giant kick in the balls for me.

Instead of hoping, I prefer to let life surprise me. I don’t let not having hope hold me back—I still make plans, try for things, live my life, etc. But I’ve trained myself to be genuinely surprised if that good thing actually happens. I don’t want to live my life disappointed. Instead, I try to accept that shitty things will always happen to me, just as they will to everyone, and when the good things come along, I genuinely appreciate them so much more.

So maybe you (whoever you are that is reading this…hi, by the way) will think this is a real messed up way to think about life, or maybe it kind of makes sense to you. Either way… one of my favorite things to do is to learn about how others look at things in their own lives, because it makes me think about my own. Even if their way isn’t agreeable to mine, it’s kinda cool that with almost 7 billion people on the planet, theres almost 7 billion different ways to look at things.

nuts.

oh jeez it's been more than a month since I updated. I'm sorry, loyal followers (of which, I have none...except maybe Tina...I will have to work on that).

Nothing particularly exciting has been going on, just school, applying for internships, etc. etc. I take an internship this summer for school, where I have to do something in the field of epidemiology. I have an internship in Erie, PA with their Board of Health (hooray!) and what most likely looks like an internship at The Cleveland Clinic in the neurology department. I'm waiting to hear back from a program in NYC and something here in Columbus as well.

I really like school, I love what I'm doing. Even things like statistics are interesting, because they're so related to my field. I should be done by December 2010 with classes, and have to do a final culminating project (essentially a thesis), which I should finish by March 2011. So, hopefully the letters MPH will follow my name in about a year...kind of exciting!

Also, little known fact: a B- is failing in grad school. At least, at THE Ohio State University. So if I get a B- in any of my classes I have to repeat it. That's kind of scary. Ok, really scary. There's not a lot of wiggle room.

I'm on the phone on hold with Ohio State financial aid right now trying to figure out how they will handle my loans for the summer class I have to take. Basically, I have to pay Ohio State to take an unpaid internship this summer. Thanks guys. I could be out making money, trying to put a dent in the debt I am accruing (FROM YOU!) but no. In essence I am paying you for the opportunity to work. That's nice.

I have the tendency to get real worked up about what's going to happen next, the future, etc., and I am well aware of this. I actually have no idea why I do this. Is it so I have something to look forward to? Is it because I want to be as certain as possible about something that isn't very certain? I don't know. I'm more excited about the future than scared or nervous, I think I am just impatient. I like to know things. I like things to happen.

Brian and I celebrated our one-year anniversary and our second Valentine's Day together, which sounds like a small thing, but makes me happy. It does not seem like it has been a year, it seems much shorter actually. He's my best friend, and he's doing so well in law school, I'm so proud of him. He's going to make the best lawyer.

Ok that is all for now. I'll post sometime soon again (I promise!)

xoxo

Kate*