hope stinks.

Hope.

I’ve got a real problem with hope (just to be clear, this is not some chick named Hope. I am talking about the feeling…er…emotion…type thing). Hope really sticks a thorn in my side. And, let me preface this rant with the fact that I am not a pessimistic person, at least I don’t think so. I think there’s a bright side to pretty much everything… “everything happens for a reason”, and all that jazz. I am happy to be alive and in the world and getting to have the experiences I do.

So to say that I don’t have a lot of hope sounds pretty depressing. But I really don’t. You see, because any time I really wanted something, I’ve really hoped for something, I end up disappointed and my little hopes get crushed to the floor. Whether it be a job or an internship, plans with friends/family/etc. that don’t work out, a vacation or a trip that doesn’t go through, or something in a relationship. When I start hoping for something the universe must realize, and do everything in its power to make it not happen. Since the universe is pretty powerful and stuff…it usually wins.

Now before you say anything, I realize I sort of sound like an emo kid here. Please do not confuse my lack of hope for a lack of gratitude of the wonderful people and opportunities I have in my life--- I am ridiculously aware of how much worse things could be. I also realize that disappointment when hoping for things is what drives and motivates a lot of people. I hope that it is evident that, although I don’t have much hope, I do have motivation and determination, and an overall positive sense of my life. Basically, all I am trying to say is that hope seems to be a giant kick in the balls for me.

Instead of hoping, I prefer to let life surprise me. I don’t let not having hope hold me back—I still make plans, try for things, live my life, etc. But I’ve trained myself to be genuinely surprised if that good thing actually happens. I don’t want to live my life disappointed. Instead, I try to accept that shitty things will always happen to me, just as they will to everyone, and when the good things come along, I genuinely appreciate them so much more.

So maybe you (whoever you are that is reading this…hi, by the way) will think this is a real messed up way to think about life, or maybe it kind of makes sense to you. Either way… one of my favorite things to do is to learn about how others look at things in their own lives, because it makes me think about my own. Even if their way isn’t agreeable to mine, it’s kinda cool that with almost 7 billion people on the planet, theres almost 7 billion different ways to look at things.